Being a newbie is not easy. It is not for the weak at heart. Over the past nine years of our marriage we have lived at three bases. Well, the first base for me doesn't count because it was where I grew up and I knew everyone! :) It was new to David though. The familiarity of one place is almost a pitfall when you're moving around. You get so cozy in your surroundings, and with the people you know so well it hurts that much more to "lose" that. To hear of them "going on" with their lives as your eyes are swelled with tears for a friend. To be "known" in your town, just to move away to a place where no one knows who you are and you are almost forced to "prove" yourself worthy.
To give a little history, I was raised in a military home. My dad was security forces for 20 years. So this military life stuff is nothing new to me. I was born on Barksdale AFB in Louisiana, then my parents moved to Altus AFB (for 6 months), and then Travis AFB. I was stationed there since I was two and a half. It was home to me. After my dad retired and I met David I was back living on base for a few years. We moved to Columbus AFB in Mississippi, received the warmest welcome, felt loved and accepted by people. We were plugged right into the church we joined and got our hands "dirty" in all the work that needed to be done. There were moments when we had no one to have a holiday meal with, and no one to help when we needed to make ER trips, but for the most part it was a blessing to be stationed there.
We have lived here in Enid/Vance AFB since 2010.It has been very slow going to make connections/friends. We would try one avenue and get shut down because of social status. We would turn to another avenue and everyone there would be so self focused they wouldn't even see the new people trying to come in. Dare I say cliques? Some people just blatantly stated they didn't want new people in their circles. I had a girl tell me after she found out I was military "Oh, we are not wanting to get close to any more military people because we have had too many move away". I didn't know how to handle this honestly. Up to this point I had never encountered a situation like this. I grew very lonely. I started to ponder if something was wrong with me that all of these "groups"/people didn't want to befriend me. Was I too "religious", mean (lol, yeah, no that's not me at all), nice, awkward, or fat? I really tried to think of everything. Just to come to this conclusion; the majority of people I was trying to be friends with were just too busy. They were running their selves ragged and couldn't even see there next move let alone the "new" people standing there longing for a friend. They were so absorbed in their groups that they weren't ready to welcome others.
I reassessed, I made a blueprint for my new game plan. My joy was not going to be measured in how much others wanted or didn't want to be a round me. I was not going to give away another tear to people ignoring me, when they were not even the wiser about it. I was going to have my own plan, everyday, and learn how to enjoy alone time. For those of you who know me well, know I am not exactly an alone time type of gal! I am a social butterfly to the fullest! This new plan was to commence in December, because that was when I was fed up. Everyday in December I had two, three, even four things on the calender. If there was something going on in the state of Oklahoma it was on my radar!! I was bound and determined to meet a friend that I could laugh with, cry with, and giggle about our kids with! I was going to stop focusing on my next friend and start focusing on the other lonely, abandoned, scared human in the town where I was placed. When I took the focus off myself and onto others and their hurts it gave be a better perspective on life in general.
Very slowly I started to make connections here and there. Some early connections were beginning to come around again. My hands were full of service to others. My heart was aware of the people in need. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord. I insulted Him with question of my purpose at this base, just to have it revealed to me in His time! He even reminded me of a prayer I prayed while still at Columbus. I met a girl there that turned out to be not nice. My heart was hurt by her, and in that hurt I prayed to the Lord; "Please give me better discernment for all of my friends. Lead me to the right people at our next base"!!
I now have a handful of new amazing people in my life. Some military, some that live in Enid, and some from the city. I count my blessing with this comradery but remain aware of where I am placing my joy. I don't ever want it to be in the hands of others, but rather be in the hands of my loving Jesus.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day to me over my adult life has meant so much. I am so happy on Mother's Day. Overwhelming feelings is also a description of how I feel on Mother's Day. My heart still grieves for women longing to be mothers. My heart is overwhelmed because I was a barren women that God chose to bear fruit in. My heart also still grieves the loss of our attempted adoption of my first born, Levi. My heart aches for those who share in my heartache of a loss of a child. I am overwhelmed that even in my grief God chooses to comfort me. He is busy holding the world together and yet He chooses to comfort ME!!! WOW!
Why did God choose to give me a mother that would take care of me and not harm me? Why was I not an orphan in Uganda? Just from this one day God has blessed me a million times over. My heart is overwhelmed for all the women God sent to come and be a mother to me when I was too rebellious to listen to my own mother. My mother (and father) planted the godly seed and those other women helped in the watering process! I am the God follower I am today because of that congregation of women who choose to care for me! WOW.
My parents both lost their mothers in their younger twenties. For that I grieve the grandmothers I never knew. I had a friend tell me before that she wishes so desperately that her mother could still be alive. Especially now that she was a mother because she had so many questions to ask her. She wanted advice, she wanted her mother's guidance. She told me that she never thought of her mother more then when she became a mom herself. I feel overly blessed to still have my mother to guide me and love me always.
I love that I was blessed with a loving Mother-in-law that has a heart as big as Texas. A mother-in-law that raised a son to be God fearing. He can now lead our family, and I can be his helper in our goals for our children. A mother-in-law that would give her life for her grand babies!
For my adoption mommas that grieve their child lovingly placed in a new home. For the child that longs to know their biological mother. For the adopted mother that loves her child more than life itself, who also wishes she had a blood tie to her child. For the kids left abandoned, abused and bruised. For my kids that I have had a hand in raising in church. I pray for them, think of them, and love to watch them grow up to be godly adults.
I love that my mom did crafts with my siblings and I. I love that my mom taught me to sit still in church (Silly I know)! I love that my mom taught me to respect my elders. I love that my mom was not perfect. I love that my mom taught me love not hate. I love that my mom didn't teach me to be racist. I love that my mom taught me about Christ!
Motherhood in the 21st century is overwhelming with all the competitive mothering out there, how do you keep up. Kids know algebra by the time they are in kindergarten just about. Kids are fluent in three languages by first grade. How does one know when they've done too much. . . .or. . . too little?! What happened to allowing kids to be kids? A new type of child predator is out in the world, how do we keep them safe? Technology, how do you teach a child they don't have to have a cell phone? I want to succeed, and I want my kids to know I did my best! In the end though I pray I can share eternity with my children and family!
Mother's Day to me over my adult life has meant so much. I am so happy on Mother's Day. Overwhelming feelings is also a description of how I feel on Mother's Day. My heart still grieves for women longing to be mothers. My heart is overwhelmed because I was a barren women that God chose to bear fruit in. My heart also still grieves the loss of our attempted adoption of my first born, Levi. My heart aches for those who share in my heartache of a loss of a child. I am overwhelmed that even in my grief God chooses to comfort me. He is busy holding the world together and yet He chooses to comfort ME!!! WOW!
Why did God choose to give me a mother that would take care of me and not harm me? Why was I not an orphan in Uganda? Just from this one day God has blessed me a million times over. My heart is overwhelmed for all the women God sent to come and be a mother to me when I was too rebellious to listen to my own mother. My mother (and father) planted the godly seed and those other women helped in the watering process! I am the God follower I am today because of that congregation of women who choose to care for me! WOW.
My parents both lost their mothers in their younger twenties. For that I grieve the grandmothers I never knew. I had a friend tell me before that she wishes so desperately that her mother could still be alive. Especially now that she was a mother because she had so many questions to ask her. She wanted advice, she wanted her mother's guidance. She told me that she never thought of her mother more then when she became a mom herself. I feel overly blessed to still have my mother to guide me and love me always.
I love that I was blessed with a loving Mother-in-law that has a heart as big as Texas. A mother-in-law that raised a son to be God fearing. He can now lead our family, and I can be his helper in our goals for our children. A mother-in-law that would give her life for her grand babies!
For my adoption mommas that grieve their child lovingly placed in a new home. For the child that longs to know their biological mother. For the adopted mother that loves her child more than life itself, who also wishes she had a blood tie to her child. For the kids left abandoned, abused and bruised. For my kids that I have had a hand in raising in church. I pray for them, think of them, and love to watch them grow up to be godly adults.
I love that my mom did crafts with my siblings and I. I love that my mom taught me to sit still in church (Silly I know)! I love that my mom taught me to respect my elders. I love that my mom was not perfect. I love that my mom taught me love not hate. I love that my mom didn't teach me to be racist. I love that my mom taught me about Christ!
Motherhood in the 21st century is overwhelming with all the competitive mothering out there, how do you keep up. Kids know algebra by the time they are in kindergarten just about. Kids are fluent in three languages by first grade. How does one know when they've done too much. . . .or. . . too little?! What happened to allowing kids to be kids? A new type of child predator is out in the world, how do we keep them safe? Technology, how do you teach a child they don't have to have a cell phone? I want to succeed, and I want my kids to know I did my best! In the end though I pray I can share eternity with my children and family!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Independence!
We were stationed in Columbus MS when Zoe was born. We moved from there when she was 2 years 4 months old. She had her first everything there. Her best friends, her favorite Sunday School Teacher, all things familiar to her. We made progress on potty training her and she was sleeping in her own room. She was still in a crib but she was still sleeping in her own room.
When we moved here to Oklahoma she had a very hard time which in turn made me have a hard time. She was confused as to where home really was because my in laws live in the city and we would spend a lot of time down there and she loved it. But when we would come up to our home home she was confused, why can't she go to the Zoo on a whim? Why can she not play with her friends (my in laws neighbors)? Where is MS best friends? Where is the home she once knew? Why doesn't she recognize anything!!??!! When we said we are going to church and Ms Dianne wasn't in the nursery, she didn't know why? She started pulling her hair out and I didn't know what to do about it.
I decided I was going to be overly routine for her. Make friends for her up here. Make our home home a place she knew and trusted. I am by nature an attachment type of momma (co sleeping, no crying, hold them often type). Well part of building her trust was allowing her to sleep in our room.
When we got here she wanted NOTHING to do with her new room. She didn't like it and she would scream and cry. It wasn't a naughty scream and cry, it was; I am scared to death of this new space. It broke my heart to watch her go through that. So she started co sleeping again. Which wasn't too bad except I was pregnant and she was starting to kick a lot. Towards the end of my pregnancy we got her transitioned into her toddler bed at the foot of our bed. That was BIG step for her. We talked about how we were going to slowly move her into her own room. I would make little hints here and there "You know Zoe, you are going to be sleeping in your own big girl room soon". She would say stuff like "No that's okay I like this room"! HAHA... I remember when I would mention Zoe was still in our room people would look at us like we were complete freaks!! LOL I am glad I don't let things like that phase me.
Zoe would see other kiddos rooms and I would always point out their beds and how her friends were sleeping in their rooms. Not as a comparison but just to note. One day it all clicked. We went to her little friends birthday party a couple of weekends ago and she said "I want to sleep in my own room like AK and E"! I said "You DO"!!!!! She said "Uh Huh"!! I told her okay and that night we put her big girl bed in her room and she slept there all night!! We slept on the floor in her room since it was her first night!
I was so amazed that she was making such a big girl move on her own. I thought surely this is going to be a fluke once the newness wears off she'll be like forget this. No, she LOVES it!! She is making plans for a sleep over with a friend! LOL I just wanted to brag on my big girl. Bless her heart, she brags to everyone "I'm sleeping in my own room", and they look at her like haven't you been sleeping in your room for a long time. Then we break out the story.
I cried the first couple of nights. Now I think this so awesome!
When we moved here to Oklahoma she had a very hard time which in turn made me have a hard time. She was confused as to where home really was because my in laws live in the city and we would spend a lot of time down there and she loved it. But when we would come up to our home home she was confused, why can't she go to the Zoo on a whim? Why can she not play with her friends (my in laws neighbors)? Where is MS best friends? Where is the home she once knew? Why doesn't she recognize anything!!??!! When we said we are going to church and Ms Dianne wasn't in the nursery, she didn't know why? She started pulling her hair out and I didn't know what to do about it.
I decided I was going to be overly routine for her. Make friends for her up here. Make our home home a place she knew and trusted. I am by nature an attachment type of momma (co sleeping, no crying, hold them often type). Well part of building her trust was allowing her to sleep in our room.
When we got here she wanted NOTHING to do with her new room. She didn't like it and she would scream and cry. It wasn't a naughty scream and cry, it was; I am scared to death of this new space. It broke my heart to watch her go through that. So she started co sleeping again. Which wasn't too bad except I was pregnant and she was starting to kick a lot. Towards the end of my pregnancy we got her transitioned into her toddler bed at the foot of our bed. That was BIG step for her. We talked about how we were going to slowly move her into her own room. I would make little hints here and there "You know Zoe, you are going to be sleeping in your own big girl room soon". She would say stuff like "No that's okay I like this room"! HAHA... I remember when I would mention Zoe was still in our room people would look at us like we were complete freaks!! LOL I am glad I don't let things like that phase me.
Zoe would see other kiddos rooms and I would always point out their beds and how her friends were sleeping in their rooms. Not as a comparison but just to note. One day it all clicked. We went to her little friends birthday party a couple of weekends ago and she said "I want to sleep in my own room like AK and E"! I said "You DO"!!!!! She said "Uh Huh"!! I told her okay and that night we put her big girl bed in her room and she slept there all night!! We slept on the floor in her room since it was her first night!
I was so amazed that she was making such a big girl move on her own. I thought surely this is going to be a fluke once the newness wears off she'll be like forget this. No, she LOVES it!! She is making plans for a sleep over with a friend! LOL I just wanted to brag on my big girl. Bless her heart, she brags to everyone "I'm sleeping in my own room", and they look at her like haven't you been sleeping in your room for a long time. Then we break out the story.
I cried the first couple of nights. Now I think this so awesome!
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Mole
Yep...I'm going there on my very first blog! LOL! I have moles/skin tags on my neck. I have always hated these as soon as they showed up. I would say they popped up in high school. I used to think that I had to keep long hair to cover them. Now I don't really care that much. Too many people have told me they're not that noticeable. I choose to believe that my friends aren't lying to me. Of course now that I write about them they'll probably be noticeable to some. :)
Back on point. . . okay, said moles have been hated by me and loved by my daughter. I have been in amazement of my God's humor. I breastfed Zoe until she was 18 months old. During which she would reach up and touch my moles, well one particular mole. It provided her comfort. The mole is distinctive to me, her mother. She knows when she is touching the mole she is with her mommy and nothing can harm her. It has settled tears, and comforted her when she was sick. As she's grown, while my other breastfeeding mommies kids put their hand down their mommies shirts, Zoe is touching the mole! LOL. Once she learned to talk she would say "Mommy I want to see your mole"! How did she learn to call it that you ask?
When I would go to put Zoe down for a nap or bedtime she would sit there and rub/touch my mole for sometimes up to an hour! I was mentally exhausted, rub one spot on yourself for an hour with nails and see just how "great" it feels! Insert sarcasm! :) No bueno. So, I would say "Zoe that's my mole you have to stop for a little while".When I first started saying that she would get so mad at me. Over time she grew a little more independent. She would go play and then every once in a while run back in and touch my mole. Then she was off playing again.
This skin flaw has been a source of joy and tears! I didn't realize how much I cared about this silly thing until I was at the Dr's office and he was going to remove some of my moles/skin tags on my neck. He was removing them and he came around to THE MOLE and I threw my hands over it! I said, "not this one, not yet"!!! What?!?! I so badly wanted to say, yeah take it off, and away with the nuisance of it!! My heart said it's not really a nuisance, and it's not really for me. It's for her now. As I have hated it from day one, Zoe had loved it from day one! It's her security blanket. Does it bug me sometimes that other kids are asking for their mommies and Zoe is asking for her mole!! YES!!! But it's distinctive to me and I'll take it!!
The night I wrote this, it was 1:30 in the morning. Zoe woke up and walked out in the living room and didn't see us there and thought we were gone! Why she didn't check our room, I don't know. Regardless, she had a melt down, derived from fear. Her comfort . . . .THE MOLE!!
Back on point. . . okay, said moles have been hated by me and loved by my daughter. I have been in amazement of my God's humor. I breastfed Zoe until she was 18 months old. During which she would reach up and touch my moles, well one particular mole. It provided her comfort. The mole is distinctive to me, her mother. She knows when she is touching the mole she is with her mommy and nothing can harm her. It has settled tears, and comforted her when she was sick. As she's grown, while my other breastfeeding mommies kids put their hand down their mommies shirts, Zoe is touching the mole! LOL. Once she learned to talk she would say "Mommy I want to see your mole"! How did she learn to call it that you ask?
When I would go to put Zoe down for a nap or bedtime she would sit there and rub/touch my mole for sometimes up to an hour! I was mentally exhausted, rub one spot on yourself for an hour with nails and see just how "great" it feels! Insert sarcasm! :) No bueno. So, I would say "Zoe that's my mole you have to stop for a little while".When I first started saying that she would get so mad at me. Over time she grew a little more independent. She would go play and then every once in a while run back in and touch my mole. Then she was off playing again.
This skin flaw has been a source of joy and tears! I didn't realize how much I cared about this silly thing until I was at the Dr's office and he was going to remove some of my moles/skin tags on my neck. He was removing them and he came around to THE MOLE and I threw my hands over it! I said, "not this one, not yet"!!! What?!?! I so badly wanted to say, yeah take it off, and away with the nuisance of it!! My heart said it's not really a nuisance, and it's not really for me. It's for her now. As I have hated it from day one, Zoe had loved it from day one! It's her security blanket. Does it bug me sometimes that other kids are asking for their mommies and Zoe is asking for her mole!! YES!!! But it's distinctive to me and I'll take it!!
The night I wrote this, it was 1:30 in the morning. Zoe woke up and walked out in the living room and didn't see us there and thought we were gone! Why she didn't check our room, I don't know. Regardless, she had a melt down, derived from fear. Her comfort . . . .THE MOLE!!
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